The kid had returned to Sierra Leone and ended up experiencing more of the war that was happening. People's houses where being burned down, villages destroyed, and many people killed. Not only adults but the whole family. As in babies, kids, some where used as shields. How terrible is this I was actually picturing this as if they were movie scenes. And if they were to be movie scenes they would have been really graphic. He had to protect himself so he had to carry rifles and aka 47's to shoot the rebels. His friends and himself sang victory ans sat on their enemies bodies and gave each other hi fives for their accomplishment against the rebels.
--Frank S.
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Frank, that sounds so horrific. How could you reorganize this response so that it builds from a main point? Start with a statement, then explain yourself. For example, you could have started with:
I can't believe the horrible conditions that the character had to live through
Then, the rest of the response would be in support of that thought.
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